Every month, football players, coaches and officials come up with some of the weirdest quotes and statements. FilGoal.com cites a compilation of the most catching extracts said throughout March.

A Local View

"Amr Zaki and Shawky are the best performers so far for Egypt; the heart rate for both of them is excellent… it's the Premier League!" Modern Sport commentator Medhat Shalabi reveals a new attribute for footballers; the 'heart rate'.

"Zaki got himself into trouble by clashing with those two players, they are like lions; they will make him a Zambian sandawetsh," ART Sport commentator Essam Abdo reveals a new African meal; the 'Zambian sandawetsh'.

"I assure everyone that Telecom will not go down this season, as well as any other team in the league, the FA can't let this happen because FIFA prohibit the presence of more than two teams from one sector, and we currently have three petroleum clubs," Telecom boss Hossam Hassan didn't reveal this secret when he was in charge of Masri at the start of the season.

"It will be a do-or-die match, I hope we will revenge, we just have to be focused. It is tricky to score four past the champions, but we are determined to recover the goals," Young Africans defender Nadir Haroub might be over-ambitious here, by the way his nickname is 'Cannavaro'!

"I hope Monsef could get the opportunity to play with Zamalek in the upcoming few weeks in order to return to the national team, he is a fine goalkeeper," Zamalek keeper Abdul-Wahed Al-Sayed is ready to sacrifice his first-team place.

"Sometimes the players become nervous because they want to perform well and help their teams in crucial moments. And amid such feelings, referees provoke players by talking to them in an inappropriate way. The result is that we fail to control our temper. If the referees behave well, the players will behave well." Hosni Abd-Rabou said this two weeks before being handed a four-match ban for an off-the-ball lunge…the referee was innocent this time.

"Zamalek announce the return of trophy days," Zamalek's official site headlined the league win over Gaish.

Some from Europe...

"If Messi plays like that every time it will be excellent. If that last chance had gone in, we would all have had to leave the stadium, pay for another ticket and come back in again," a routine praise for Super Leo, but this time it's from Diego Armando Maradona.

"Today, I fear the idea of retiring. Today, I am playing the penalty shoot-out of my managerial career. I know that. The rest is decided between me and me," looking back through last year, Sir Alex Ferguson shouldn’t be worried by a shootout.

"My condition improved much more in a week in Brazil than it did in five at Milan. It's hard to say whether Milan's doctors made mistakes, but I just know that I will handle it differently if I get injured in future," Kaka tells Milan medics: Thank you very much.

"For their club captain to spit at my assistant at the end of the game shows you what this club is all about," Hull manager Phil Brown fumes at Cesc Fabregas.

"I'm very excited about the game because I grew up as an Everton fan hating Liverpool and that hasn't changed," Wayne Rooney's comment before being deleted by the Red Devils.

The Special One

"I'm not sure I deserve this (doctorate) accolade, I'm surprised by it," Doctor Jose Mourinho shows rare humbleness.

"I'm probably a source of pride for the faculty, but I've pursued my career without thinking about such things," now this is the real Mourinho.

"When people describe Mourinho they always refer to him as a 'communicator', but that part of his personality frankly bores me, because he often says pointless things,"Carlo Ancelotti.

"With Mourinho either you're Zlatan and he takes you to his home or if you're not Zlatan you're dead and that's not right from a coach's point of view," Ibra agent Mino Raiola.

"I like that a coach treats you badly from time to time and uses tough words. I love this kind of mentality in Mourinho. If someone tells me ‘you sucked’, it works for me." Ibra himself!

And the winner is...

Mido: "There were reports after the game that I protested against the coach's decision to keep me on the bench, which is totally untrue. Zaki and his agent came up with that baseless story," now Wigan boss Steve Bruce is likely to have a hectic finale to the season.